rivervox

A bit more than halfway through. So many things to make: latkes tonight, spinach pashtida, veg kugel muffins. We had seder with the fam on night #1 and it went well, though more somber than usual as we remembered the hostages, the dead, and the terrible danger. Second night at M&S. There were about 15 people there, many highly knowledgeable and ready to rumble. But it was so nice to be among friends. In a place I feel comfortable. A very novel experience for me.

We had the BHS awards ceremony the next night, and Violet got a book prize. I'm very proud of her but it's a hard place to be. A difficult transition. Feels like running off a cliff, but let us think of it as jumping off a pier into a warm and wild ocean.

Yesterday I went to the Arboretum. There were cars parked all the way around, but I found a spot and went in the back gate. I went my usual route and it wasn't that crowded. I did see a lot of people down by the flowering trees near the pond and arbors. Hanami time? But people we taking photos of apple trees too. Anyway, lovely to get lost out there again. Those trees are so magical.

Violet was at a friend's house so we watched Disco and the movie Poor Things. I had really wanted to see it, and so I did and afterwards I felt brutalized but the nonstop sex, body horror and degradation of the lead character. Really icky. Not that imaginative in the end. Cool costumes and sets though. I don't feel challenged or provoked because I don't think there were many ideas behind it. Anyway, it was a nice break from our TV watching.

Planning on walking around the big reservoir while Violet is at rehearsal. Then prom shopping? My word for the day is ambitious and I've already been out shopping. Written this post and planned the day. Go me. Right off that pier.

Halfway through Pesach. Hopefully we can just coast from here. Honey flew back yesterday. She was very stressed about finishing up school but it was good to have her here. We'll see her in NYC soon (if I ever book the trip). Saturday night we watched Prince of Egypt. Last night, Dr Who and Picard, which continues to be terrible. But at least we got the band back together. It's weird seeing someone I know and (have hugged), on screen.

Yesterday I walked around Jamaica Pond from the middle parking lot. It was a good distance and nice to begin and end alone in the woods. Violet went with us to the airport and went on an outing with DH. Saturday, we went up to Lars, which was a bit challenging because of dogs but we did it. I went out for a walk on the Muddy alone and did yoga that day. So ten points for Ravenclaw on that front. Today? Who knows.

Hoping for a laid back week and then a good vacation. There's a lot of hope in this post. The sun is up. We're housed and healthy.

Good yesterday. Up on timish for school, college meetings, rehearsal, high spirits. We'll take it. I did a short yoga practice in the morning, which was great. Even just 15 minutes felt so much better than not. I walked up to buy bread too so I got some steps and sunshine Now all the focus is on Passover. Lists and cleaning and boxes and plans.

Boundaries. The setting up of and pushing through.

Got out this morning for a walk. Perfect April weather. I finished all of Levar so I'm looking for a replacement. I'm listening to a radio play called Solar right now, but it's only a few episodes. I should look into getting audio book downloads from the library. I don't want podcasts with people chattering. I want a story. Even listening to the radio play is jarring sometimes.

Violet went out to see Cabaret last night. We stayed home and ate leftovers and watched Wheel of Time, Moon Knight and Space Force. I started reading Janelle Monae's new book.

Looking forward to Passover ending. It was a burden I struggled with this year. Yesterday I took Violet downtown to apply for her driving permit. The driving, parking, finding the facility, sitting in waiting area with unmasked people, and getting home again was really my limit. I was able to recover and do some work, but work is horrible right now. Dealing with website issues in crushing slow motion. Really a terrible week.

The good thing is that I have learned to manage my capacity. Respect my limitations and feel when the mental load is too much. Walk, stories, Bach, and sleep make me a functional person.

so much time has passed since I've written. I'm 57 now. My birthday was a busy one because Violet's friend was here from Israel. I had a nice breakfast with croissants and got a Calamity Ware teaset. It makes me happy and feels like a positive step towards the life I want to be living. Anyway, I took a walk, did some work and then drove the girls to Back Bay to look at magnolias. We walked down the mall to the Public Garden and then back down Marlborough. A lovely day and a nice way to spend my b'day afternoon. At night we went to Veggie Galaxy and sat outside and had a great meal. It was awesome to be out in the city. Very tiring day but we finished up with cake.

Thursday was pesach cleaning day, plus a trip to Needham for another visit for Violet. I got to walk Kendrick, though it was cloudy and chilly. Honey came that night, late. Friday cleaning, cooking, chaos followed by seder. We were here and did a video call with the fam on Brook Street. DH and I walked Jamaica Pond Sat morning. Lazy day, followed by seder in living room. I cut my thumb really badly and had to wrap it up and keep it elevated. It was scary and I had to lie down for a while. I didn't want to go to the ER. Or spoil seder. Got through it. The wound is healing but it's still hard to do some things. I don't want to rip it open again.

Honey left Sunday AM. We had a cold picnic at Billy Ward with the Karpman-Horowitz fam. It was nice to see people, but I'm out of practice. We watched the latest Dr. Who together, then DH headed out for the midnight marathon ride. Violet watched a bad Barbra movie.

And here we are. Marathon. I walked up to the Butch today, through the barricades. It was enough. It makes me anxious. The noise of helicopters, the cops and military. The crowds. The memories. Is there a way to get past this? I think the Plague makes it worse. Rates are climbing. I just want to hide.

I need a day with no special activities. Just normal quiet. Spring continues in her relentless pace. Birds, leaves, flowers. We're all just holding on. Writing this all down will help.

Didn't go for a walk yesterday. I slept in because Thursday is a late school day. We did go to Star for some supplies. Must get out today!

I realized that I'm just marking time here, like a prisoner. Happy for every day that passes so that we'll get closer to...something. Vaccines, immunity, another lockdown, misery, Godzilla. But time seems like the only way out. I keep thinking of Live Through This and Going Through the Motions from Buffy. That's what it feels like. It's strange that I was sort of OK for a year, but I'm not anymore. Again, I'm still recovering from the move and still burdened with Nisan, so check me next week.

No TV last night but I did spend time lying in bed reading A Desolation Called Peace by Arkady Martine which is tough but wonderful. Oh, to be on Peloa 2 with the clawed Giraffe creatures.

What boulders will I move today?

Too many days not posting. It's pre-Pesach week so I was very busy, stressed and sad. It's always a lot of work but the pandemic makes it harder plus it is Shabbat chag chag so everything is more complicated. I took two days off and embraced the suck. It's actually strangely relaxing. We had sushi for Shabbat dinner. Ordered ice cream to be delivered. Trying to make this fun and do the best we can.

The weather has been nice, but I'm struggling. I did take a bike ride yesterday. Maybe again today. We are having a Zoom seder with the family tonight and then with friends tomorrow.

School is opening up. Virus numbers are going up. Summer plans are growing apace. Looks like Honey will be in Dublin at the end of August. Last year I would have said of course she will be able to fly to Ireland this summer. Now I'm not so sure.

We watched the new American Gods last night. Really excited to have Dominique Wilson as Ms. World, though I hope she gets to show more depth in this role. We've also started watching John Adams which is excellent. Time for the annual Prince of Egypt viewing!

Last day of Passover. Time to think about reversing the process. Changing the dishes, getting rid of the matza and returning to normal life. By the time you've been doing this for a week, it seems normal and it's not hard to keep going. This is a good lesson for other areas of life! Standing looking out over Cana'an, ready to go back to normal life, what lessons will we take with us? Zucchini noodles are good.

Last night, just as we were getting ready to eat dinner, Sigal spotted a coyote in our driveway. It came trotting up like it owned the place, then scanned the area and realized that there was no clear way to get around the building so it turned and left. We were all speechless. The Eastern coyote is so large, so wild that it's a thrill to see one.

It's school vacation week, so I'm still not back on track with normal work and it's getting stressful. Still, we went to the zoo yesterday. Jack is here today. I can sleep later. We can watch Doctor Who together, so it's not all bad. Saturday we go to Provincetown in hopes of seeing Right whales. It will be wonderful to get out of town.

We spent Sunday cleaning for Passover. As always, I am reluctant to let the chametz go. I don't want to throw out the pasta. I want to preserve the option of having toast for breakfast. What if the kids want something? But this always ends in frustration. It always comes to the point where I just have to give in. Surrender to the inevitability of Passover. Of time and the journey. And then, when I let go, it gets easier and I get excited. The pieces fall into place and I enjoy the process of cleaning and bringing out the Pesach dishes. Remembering the recipes. The melodies. And we're off! Cana'an or bust.