rivervox

Chaotic day of driving. Violet came home feeling sick last night and I feared the worst. Her test was negative this morning and she is doing better but we shall see. Faced a bit of a logistical nightmare trying to get her to Chinatown to hang out with friends without a car or wanting to use the train. Two zipcars and lots of driving. Stress. Stopping now to eat, get centered, and head back down. Birthday tomorrow! More cars and logistics and hopes that no one is sick.

Plan, prepare, put the anxiety aside until you need it. Take a breath and be in the good moments.

Violet is home sick again. Negative test. Sore throat, stuffy nose. At this point I almost want a positive test. Hopefully tomorrow? Will we go to NH? So many unknowns. If we go to NH, will we be able to eat safely? Feeling a bit crushed at this point by living like this. Watching the data, testing, worrying, waiting. I hate the gray zone. Despair sniffs around.

I walked out to the Muddy this morning. Weather continues to be perfect but we really need the rain. Just not in NH this weekend.

Last night we had sushi in the park for my SIL's birthday. It was nice to eat outside and hang out with family. Hard to write that word for some reason. Bad news is that Honey has COVID symptoms and we had to make a decision about whether or not she should come home. She's still in camp. It was too much of a risk and people are getting reinfected. I hope she can rest and that she will be OK. What a clusterfuck. 67 kids are sick and it continues to spread. Big surprise. I wish we could just pull her out of there. We haven't spoken since she left so hopefully she will call today.

Violet and I got some lunch and went to Larz Anderson to picnic and read. The work on the pond is almost complete, but there's no water. Rain on me.

Saturday night we saw Elvis at the Coolidge. Not a plague-worthy movie for me but DH and Violet enjoyed it. My critiques are that it was too long without giving any actual information about the person. Why give us lengthy recreations of performances that are readily available on YouTube? It does bring to light the horrible trap he was in and the abuse of his manager. Anyway, the actor who play Little Richard was awesome. I want to see that movie. We watched the last episode of Our Flag Means Death. Could not be sweeter.

From the Greek "en demos", in the population. We learn to live with the threat. Put up the mosquito nets, swallow the fear until it becomes part of us.

Violet walked to school today. She's been studying hard and I'm proud of her. Only a few days left now. Honey saw EEAAO last night and enjoyed it. I would like to see it again.

I walked out to the Muddy this AM. I've got two big meetings today and I'm nervous and focused. Concerned that my new base level mood is "meh". Closed down. Shielded. Still surviving though.

I went out to Jamaica Pond this morning. It's a good routine. Will I make it to Kendrick tomorrow? I think this habit is here to stay. I hope it is. If we return to shul-attendance, I'll have to get up early and go.

Jealous of someone today. She has a house, a horse, a garden, a career I covet. What aspects of my life are things I actually chose? What about the way I live is desirable to me? Anything? Feeling trapped by small, bad decisions and the power of inertia. Never underestimate inertia.

I'm still recovering from the reunion. It has taken at least a week to get over it. Seeing people I know is really frightening to me. It's not agoraphobia, because I go out all the time. But seeing people who might recognize me is terrifying. The pandemic has sent me to another level of shielding. The other day a survey for work asked about sharing info with "friends and networks". Huh? Who? WTF do you mean. I've broken all social connections and I'm not sure how I will get back to them, if at all.

Thursday night we saw Ringo. It was a great show, though I cringed through the oldies and felt like I was at one of those WGBH fundraising concerts. Edgar Winter was in the band and it's funny how many memories that stirred up. Just to see Ringo though. Full of energy and charm, bounding out and claiming the space. Yes, he is an icon and yes he makes bad jokes and says hello to people in the audience and sits at the drum set like he was born there. Terrifying to be in a mostly unmasked audience. Really dumb but for a once in a lifetime show, it was worth it. The Avett Brothers also played. Very talented folky sound. The cellist was fun. I love a banjo. Some of their lyrics really curdled in my ears though. "no man can enslave me" and "I have no enemies". They might as well sing. "I am a white man, straight and young and healthy." Really, really offensive to me. And others in the audience singing along. The underpinnings of Christianity were also concerning. Not in terrible way, but in a "wow, this is not Jewish" way. Probably good for me to brush up against that culture. Still a good band who gave a good, long show. Some audience members seemed to be there just for them! Ringo closed the show on With a Little Help from My Friends, with the audience singing the response. I really joyful moment. (trying not to think of the plague bugs flying around the room). That turned into Give Peace a Chance which was very powerful.

Love the message, not sure I can believe it any more. How can we have peace when there is inequity? Injustice? I do have enemies who hate me for my gender, my religion, where I live and what I believe. There are hate machines posturing as news and information sources. Hate is preached in churches, fear is pumped in like so much soma. Bah.

Ruining my mood. The sun is coming out. We are going to see a musical today. There is more coffee and lemon cake.

Honey still positive on day 10. No trip to Israel. Now a flurry to cancel and try to re-collect some of our money. Still quarantining the house which is a mess of luggage. The SDF was today and the play was terrific. Very powerful and well-staged. To think they're only sophomores! So that is done and the wheel turns.

I walked around the Chestnut Hill Reservoir in the fog. It's a good walk. Very humid. A little bit of August in May. Hoping that we can go to NY next weekend. A break would be very welcome. But the plague has us by the throat and won't let go.

The strike ended last night. So that bit of turbulence is out of the way. The list of things I really don't need right now gets shorter.

I walked the Reservoir today. Gorgeous Spring weather. Hoping for Honey's recovery and negative test so we can see her again. Concert tonight. After this week, things will get easier. Right?

I walked at Leverett Pond this morning. The Spring woods are lovely with pale green leaves and pastel flowers. I'm listening to GK Chesterton The Man Who Was Thursday. It's fun, but not a replacement for LeVar. I'm thinking of getting the audio book of Brothers Karamazov to listen to so I can focus on one long text.

A quiet day yesterday. I biked around Jamaica Pond, cleaned the house and walked with Violet to get some boba. DH was on a long bike ride, which will be the norm for the next few months. I should plan adventure time for myself on those days.

A weird pandemic thing: on Saturday when I went to the bar mitzvah, I wore a dress I bought for Honey's graduation. I was quite sure it wouldn't fit. It zipped right up and was a little loose. I tried on some other "work" clothes and they went right on. In my head, I'm a big blob in sweatpants and need to buy all new clothes before I can be seen in public. In reality, while I do need some new clothes (and to get rid of old ones) I'm actually alright. It feels like I've been through some terrible thing and I'm different. People won't recognize or remember me and I won't "fit" in my old world. It's almost a dysmorphia and it makes me very uncomfortable seeing people I used to know. I'm dreading the reunion and if Steven weren't going to be there, I wouldn't go.

On a positive note, Prairie Fire has opened it's backlot and we went there Saturday night. So nice to sit out and be out and enjoy a bit of normalcy. A few TV notes. Mrs. Maisel is terrific and Picard is terrible. We watched the last Wheel of Time, which was unsatisfying and OFMD and I watched Trapped. And now, to work.

I walked out at the Reservoir this morning, doing two loops. I had a good story, The Water Museum, by Nisi Shawl and had to repent for my slothy ways yesterday. It's a bit colder today. Spring's just kidding. It's always just kidding. She must hang out with Hermes a lot.

Last night Violet had casting for her play so we were alone to watch Northern Exposure and Somebody Somewhere. Both terrific shows.

Things are calmed this week and I'm working through the list. Sent off my biosample yesterday. Dentist on Friday. Watching the plague numbers. Fighting stress, no, letting go of stress by sticking with the practices that have got me through these years. I hope we get to go to Bard in May. I hope to visit Cooperstown in July.

My cousin is visiting Cooperstown from Texas, after a performance at Carnegie Hall. Singing. Then they went to visit my family including my elderly aunt. Hoping for a safe outcome for everyone. VERY glad I didn't go. DH would have apoplexy. Still, it's funny to see her reflections on the town. I think when I go back, it will be nostalgic too. Visiting the past. No longer part of my present. That is a big change that happened when I wasn't looking. Time is funny that way.

I walked at Kendrick Pond today. Lots of puddles and mud under a gray sky. I listened to Levar today, as I'm struggling and the Sandman is so heavy.

Last night I drove Violet in to see her cousin. It was raining so the driving was tricky, but I got a few things done and spent time at home. I watched an emotional Finding Your Roots with Audra and Mandy and it got me upset. Hard to sleep in the heat and the noise.

Ordering and planning for Honey's trip is making it very real. Can't wait to see her, can't wait for her adventure to begin. This fucking plague though.