Restore factory default settings

Got out this morning for a walk. Perfect April weather. I finished all of Levar so I'm looking for a replacement. I'm listening to a radio play called Solar right now, but it's only a few episodes. I should look into getting audio book downloads from the library. I don't want podcasts with people chattering. I want a story. Even listening to the radio play is jarring sometimes.

Violet went out to see Cabaret last night. We stayed home and ate leftovers and watched Wheel of Time, Moon Knight and Space Force. I started reading Janelle Monae's new book.

Looking forward to Passover ending. It was a burden I struggled with this year. Yesterday I took Violet downtown to apply for her driving permit. The driving, parking, finding the facility, sitting in waiting area with unmasked people, and getting home again was really my limit. I was able to recover and do some work, but work is horrible right now. Dealing with website issues in crushing slow motion. Really a terrible week.

The good thing is that I have learned to manage my capacity. Respect my limitations and feel when the mental load is too much. Walk, stories, Bach, and sleep make me a functional person.

People who've died

Today for some reason, I thought about my stepfather's sister's family, who we often visited when I was a kid. This family of 8 lived on nearby farms and I spent many hours playing in barns and hanging out with diary cows. Drinking raw milk from the bulk tank. I was wondering what happened to the cousin closest to my age when I remembered the death of another girl. Her family owned the farm where my step uncle worked. We became friends, spending time together on farm visits, writing letters and seeing each other at sporting events.

All I remember is that I was in the bathroom getting ready for school when my mother told me she had died. She took pills and went out into the fields to die because of something that happened at school. I'm trying to remember if it was bad grades or being caught drinking. Either way, in despair of the school telling her parents, she killed herself. I was devastated. I don't think my mother realized how much it affected me. We didn't go to the funeral and none of my friends new her so I had to process it alone. I'm not sure I did.

So today I searched and I found her. Her grave. It really happened. It was last March 1982. She was 15. Around my youngest daughters age. It's hitting me again in a new way. What was the dynamic in that family? Was it them or some terrible sadness in her? I will never know. I could try to find her older sister. My cousin. Would they care that someone remembers her? Misses her 40 years later?

I may write more about this, but I want to record it here. And think about the young people I know who died there. Was it a lot statistically? Most are car crash victims. Impaired, too fast. Gone. The names: Linda, Eva, Jamie, Danny, Tom Day. I guess now teens know kids who were shot at school or killed themselves. This feels morbid, but it's something I carry that never got looked at or processed.