Gamble

[rivervox]

I went out to Kendrick Pond this morning. It was lovely. The water was very high due to recent rain and it was overflowing the path in some places. The depressions on the west side of the path were full of water and it will be mosquito heaven soon. I had thought about going kayaking but didn't get up early enough. Lake Cochichuate is closed due to algae bloom. I hope that I get to kayak on the Cape. I got out a chair and sat by the pond for awhile. All I want is to be outside.

The Cape. It doesn't seem real to me. I catch it out of the corner of my eye but it's not concrete. It doesn't occur to me that not working will be restful because what we're dealing with in our family is much harder than working. Can I have a break from that, please? 

We've taken a step back, having been hit by lightning again. Gambling on a chance at a better life. Floating on trust and hope and about to slam into a concrete wall in Sept. I have only fear for the future. Nothing to look forward too. Beyond the vacation is darkness.

What else? We got an extra visit from Honey. We won't see her until she leaves camp. It's better that she's out of it. She has a future.

We visited Wheaton College, where the dorms look like hotels and the sports facilities are pristine. No town to speak of but lots of pick up trucks. Still, it's good to look, keep a hand in the game.

I've also driven more now and it's made me realize how small my bubble was growing. How nervous I'd become about driving. I went to Somerville first, which was somehow a big deal. Then Norton, then Palmer and back. When did I stop driving? When did I become so vigilant that it didn't feel safe on the road? My next drive will be to the Cape. No problem. Last weekend we went to Castle Island for awhile. So nice, again, just to be outside. To see the ocean and look out upon the curve of the world.

Carpe Aestas