so much time has passed since I've written. I'm 57 now. My birthday was a busy one because Violet's friend was here from Israel. I had a nice breakfast with croissants and got a Calamity Ware teaset. It makes me happy and feels like a positive step towards the life I want to be living. Anyway, I took a walk, did some work and then drove the girls to Back Bay to look at magnolias. We walked down the mall to the Public Garden and then back down Marlborough. A lovely day and a nice way to spend my b'day afternoon. At night we went to Veggie Galaxy and sat outside and had a great meal. It was awesome to be out in the city. Very tiring day but we finished up with cake.

Thursday was pesach cleaning day, plus a trip to Needham for another visit for Violet. I got to walk Kendrick, though it was cloudy and chilly. Honey came that night, late. Friday cleaning, cooking, chaos followed by seder. We were here and did a video call with the fam on Brook Street. DH and I walked Jamaica Pond Sat morning. Lazy day, followed by seder in living room. I cut my thumb really badly and had to wrap it up and keep it elevated. It was scary and I had to lie down for a while. I didn't want to go to the ER. Or spoil seder. Got through it. The wound is healing but it's still hard to do some things. I don't want to rip it open again.

Honey left Sunday AM. We had a cold picnic at Billy Ward with the Karpman-Horowitz fam. It was nice to see people, but I'm out of practice. We watched the latest Dr. Who together, then DH headed out for the midnight marathon ride. Violet watched a bad Barbra movie.

And here we are. Marathon. I walked up to the Butch today, through the barricades. It was enough. It makes me anxious. The noise of helicopters, the cops and military. The crowds. The memories. Is there a way to get past this? I think the Plague makes it worse. Rates are climbing. I just want to hide.

I need a day with no special activities. Just normal quiet. Spring continues in her relentless pace. Birds, leaves, flowers. We're all just holding on. Writing this all down will help.

Just a quick check in. First day of in-person high school was a success. Having more space and peace during the day is good for everybody. New fitness tracker device is giving interesting data. Nibling graduates from the New School today. Most trees are in full leaf.

Joy of re-emerging is tempered by the devastation in India. Such despair and irretrievable loss. In the back of my mind a voice says, this isn't over, even as we prepare for the summer. Don't worry, I have extra toilet paper in the trunk.

A pickup truck full of wooden chairs. Apple blossoms. Lilacs. Goslings. Violets. A morning walk well spent, listening to Levar out along the muddy.

In about an hour, I get my second vaccination. I'm looking forward to it. Not nervous but not having coffee this morning to keep my system calmer. I did some yoga yesterday which was quite vigorous for me and it really helped my mental state. What a surprise!

Yesterday, Violet and I went out to Walden Pond and had a nice walk. It was long for her but she'll soon get in shape walking to BHS! She inspires me to do these things, even when I defeat myself by worrying about crowds and traffic. That's why it's good to have young people around. And it helps me to try and break the cycle of assuming the answer is no.

Saturday, I walked around Jamaica Pond in the morning. In the afternoon, we drove to Quincy to the beach. And I felt nothing. Dread at first, then...nothing. Greenish water. The walls of that compartment are solid. Violet sensed it, that the door was closed. I thought about vacations, maybe Acadia some day soon but that just exposed the divide. The misalignment of our views of the future.

I'm in the cancer zone, just waiting to see what kind I'll get and if it's survivable. Retirement is a distant island across shark-filled waters. We saw Nomadland on Saturday and it was profoundly affecting. Beautifully shot and strongly written. Very, very relevant to the place I find myself and it's given me new insight. New coals on a smoldering fire of discontent.

I need to keep Violet's YES in mind. May is the month of Yes, in which we abolish the negative thoughts. Smell the flowers, get the jab, eat the vegan muffin.

Beautiful weather. I walked around here this morning, to the river and back up through the Longwood Mall listening to Levar. Yesterday I rode my bike around Jamaica Pond and went out to Great Meadows with Violet. Such a lovely place, full of birds and wildlife and a big open sky. We stumbled upon the Concord River. As soon as I stepped into the woods, to the bank, I knew. From the soles of my feet to my nose: RIVER. Just beautiful, quietly flowing to the Merrimack and to the sea. We went to Bedford Farms for ice cream and then drove back in. She is on vacation this week, so I'm trying to give her little outings.

We watched more Oscar Shorts, seeing the Israeli film and two docs, one about Latasha Harlins, whose murder lead to the LA riots and one about the democracy movement in Hong Kong. So much trouble in the world. But it's good to have all these different lenses, things we would never choose to watch.

If the weather holds, we're planning a picnic tonight. I've definitely recovered from the heavy mood of last week. Possibility glimmers again

Well, here we are again. Sun's out, magnolias are bursting. Took a morning walk and listened to the AFP Podcast with Sherry Turkle which was interesting. The idea that men, being trained to avoid empathy and connection, build a vision of the world where only mind matters. Only stuff matters. We will all be uploaded and leave the meatbags behind and live in a world of mind alone. As if we are not made of meat and emotions. Emotions other than anger. One of the wisest things I've read recently said that men don't identify anger as an emotion. It's a weapon and it's justified and they wave it around to feel powerful. Being "emotional" is associated with weakness, sadness and fear and wanting to be kind. Empathy is the enemy of the violent, angry individualist. The toddler-brained tyrants. How can we stop them?

Last night we worked on financial aid forms. Always a pleasure. Taxes are easier. Summer is coming and there are commitments and forms. I still need to book our Ptown trip but I need to be alone on the phone and there is no alone time here. That is what I crave. In June, Honey will leave for camp and Violet will be gone all day. I can't wait to be ALONE!

Walked out to Grigg's Park this morning. Spring is coming in. The trees are still bare and brown, so the streets still feel naked. When you look out in the woods and paths, it looks very crowded with people. I drove out to Watertown yesterday after a play date drop off, and the paths were so busy, I didn't walk. How I miss the real forests of the Cape. I rode my bike in the morning out and around Jamaica Pond in the morning. Still, it was a jean jacket and iced coffee day, so that's a win.

I finished listening to the Katrina podcast. It's a great piece of journalism and letting the teenager who's life was derailed have the last word was brilliant. We also watched the last It's a Sin last night. So very say, but well done. Davies is a great story teller with deep humanity.

Short week as I took two days off to clean and cook for Passover. Not looking forward to it. Another boulder on my back.

I'm putting together a playlist for the kids of music that I liked. DH plays his music all the time, but they don't really know mine. It's interesting to look back and of course the memory is selective. It will be interesting to listen to it and find the commonalities. Listening to Santana now because my uncle left his 45 of Oye Como Va at my Grandmother's house and I listened to it on my close and play. How much of myself do I keep contained? I work hard not to take up room and it has worked. What will be left of me? What will the kids remember? It's funny when I think back to when they were little, I was even less of a person. I remember the Awakening in 2008 to Amanda's music and theater, but there is still much I conceal.

Reading Murakmi's The Wind-Up Bird Chronicles. Funny to read it now, after reading so much of his more recent work. So strange, so softly sexist.

Lovely warm day. I took a bike ride out and around Jamaica Pond. I remember when that was a stretch for me. Biking is good because it gets my heart rate up. I'm sure there will be many more days of walking in the chilly damp of spring, but it was great to get out on the bike. I can almost throw my leg over without much effort. The surgery seems recent but it was almost six months ago.

Things are improving on the vaccine front. Spouse has his appointment next week. I signed up to be in the queue. But I also ordered a new mask for spring, so it goes on.

I watched two more episodes of IMDY and there were some pleasant turns. Still challenging to watch before bed though! Only two more to go.

The weekend looms. Should be better than last week. Wish I found a room behind the mirror. There are crocuses in the backyard. Daffodils soon. I remember this from last spring, the earth pours forth her bounty though we mourn.

There is a lot of year in review bullshit out there. I wrote "It's hard to look back when you're drowning. More worried about the sharks than the shore". This isn't over, we're still in the middle of the storm. Still in fear and trauma.

Got out for a good walk this morning. Listened to Neil's story "Chivalry", as read by Levar. I'm so glad that listening to stories is part of my routine now. It distracts me from being back in the ugly, loud city. Speaking of loud, three pairs of Canada geese were having a battle royal on the muddy. Must be mating season, soon to be followed by nesting. Beautiful weather for it. The angle of the sun makes all the difference.

I think the birthday was a success. Last night we had Otto pizza (delicious!) and finished ST IV which the kids enjoyed. We had cake and champagne and presents. We watched Treme while the kids did homework. I watched two more episodes of I May Destroy You, which continues to be fascinating and hard to watch. Feeling tired and blurry though. Tonight, an early sober bedtime is called for.

Yesterday we walked to Bros & Soeurs for coffee. We sat outside in the sun unmasked. It was really nice. I'm glad they have ice cream now. Much needed in the neighborhood.

We really need to get going on Passover. One thing at a time.